Are you an enabler? Coming to terms with Co addiction and the cycle of enabling.

There are multiple ways that a co addict can enable an addict.  According to Carnes (2001), there are many examples of how this can occur.  Many co addicts will hide the behavior of the addict.  Often times co addicts will try to protect the addict from having to deal with consequences due to their behavior or actions.  This could include lying, or covering up for them.  Very often co addicts will justify why the addict is behaving this way.    There can be grand explanations of rationalizations by the co addict to deny or overlook what is occurring with an addict.  Co addicts often feel responsible for the addicts behavior or actions.  There can be a great deal of self righteous criticism that is directed towards the addict by the co addict. 

     Martyrdom is part of the co addicts cycle in their distortion to become indispensable to the addict.  The addict in turn fails to meet all the co addict expectations which is next to impossible.  While the addict fails to recognize the needs of the co addict they repeat feelings of disappointed expectations and this becomes frustrating for the co addict because they simply cannot shape up the addict.  There is a misconception that sex is the most important sign of love.  Co addicts often validate the unworthiness that the addict is already feeling underneath.  In the process of the co addicts preoccupation of the addict and their problems, it becomes unmanageable for the co addict to take care of themselves.  Co addicts have a desperate need to feel loved and often times were not given that as a child (Carnes, 2001).

     Co addicts are often dominating or nurturing in nature and attempt to control others around them.  Addicts themselves often rely upon co addicts to pick up the peices and in most cases they are more than willing to do so.  There is a high resentment that is formed between the two relationships.  The addict feels that they cannot live up to the co addicts expectations and also feels a deep sense of guilt for not being able to meet those needs.  This becomes an unending cycle of enabling and also the co addict looses complete control over their lives because they are totally engulfed in the reflections of the addict which makes it impossible to deal with their own problems that need to be resolved (Carnes, 2001).

     The conclusion is that we in no way control the actions of another person.  Very often in helping others we step into a God like role that we simply cannot fill.  In doing so co addicts loose or have no personal identity outside of the addict.  The addict must be accountable and in many cases the co addict will prevent that from occurring.  Many co addicts are simply in denial and feel that they can help the addict through anything without the addict being accountable for their actions.  This is an impossible cycle and there is no help, and many times continues out through the life of the addict never being accountable.  The co addict hinders the recovery process, and can prolong an addict from being responsible for their choices and actions.

References:

Carnes, Patrick (2001), Out of the Shadows; Understanding Sexual Addiction