Friday, June 14, 2013

Are you an enabler? Coming to terms with Co addiction and the cycle of enabling.

There are multiple ways that a co addict can enable an addict.  According to Carnes (2001), there are many examples of how this can occur.  Many co addicts will hide the behavior of the addict.  Often times co addicts will try to protect the addict from having to deal with consequences due to their behavior or actions.  This could include lying, or covering up for them.  Very often co addicts will justify why the addict is behaving this way.    There can be grand explanations of rationalizations by the co addict to deny or overlook what is occurring with an addict.  Co addicts often feel responsible for the addicts behavior or actions.  There can be a great deal of self righteous criticism that is directed towards the addict by the co addict. 
     Martyrdom is part of the co addicts cycle in their distortion to become indispensable to the addict.  The addict in turn fails to meet all the co addict expectations which is next to impossible.  While the addict fails to recognize the needs of the co addict they repeat feelings of disappointed expectations and this becomes frustrating for the co addict because they simply cannot shape up the addict.  There is a misconception that sex is the most important sign of love.  Co addicts often validate the unworthiness that the addict is already feeling underneath.  In the process of the co addicts preoccupation of the addict and their problems, it becomes unmanageable for the co addict to take care of themselves.  Co addicts have a desperate need to feel loved and often times were not given that as a child (Carnes, 2001).

     Co addicts are often dominating or nurturing in nature and attempt to control others around them.  Addicts themselves often rely upon co addicts to pick up the peices and in most cases they are more than willing to do so.  There is a high resentment that is formed between the two relationships.  The addict feels that they cannot live up to the co addicts expectations and also feels a deep sense of guilt for not being able to meet those needs.  This becomes an unending cycle of enabling and also the co addict looses complete control over their lives because they are totally engulfed in the reflections of the addict which makes it impossible to deal with their own problems that need to be resolved (Carnes, 2001).

     The conclusion is that we in no way control the actions of another person.  Very often in helping others we step into a God like role that we simply cannot fill.  In doing so co addicts loose or have no personal identity outside of the addict.  The addict must be accountable and in many cases the co addict will prevent that from occurring.  Many co addicts are simply in denial and feel that they can help the addict through anything without the addict being accountable for their actions.  This is an impossible cycle and there is no help, and many times continues out through the life of the addict never being accountable.  The co addict hinders the recovery process, and can prolong an addict from being responsible for their choices and actions.

References:

Carnes, Patrick (2001), Out of the Shadows; Understanding Sexual Addiction

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Reaction to No Stones, Women who have been redeemed of Sexual Addiction



     It seems to be out of the norm to hear about sexual addiction among women, but Marnie C. Ferree demonstrates courageous strength in identifying with what many women have been dealing with since the beginning of time.  The paper is a reaction to what was demonstrated in the book of No Stones:  Women redeemed from sexual addiction.  Several topics will be addressed such as the problems surrounding sexual addiction, family dynamics, treatment of sexual addiction and the role of the church.  A personal outlook will address how Marnie Ferree addresses the issues of sexual addiction among women.

                                                         Introduction

     No stones had a profound impact on how I viewed a women’s story of sexual addiction.  I feel the book is a blessing to anyone that struggles with any type of addiction, especially women dealing with sexual addictions.  The book gave me a different outlook of sexual abuse and women that carry those wounds.  Feree will demonstrate our views and they seem to be very informative on thoughts of abandonment issues along with what is defined in our psyche as sexual abuse.  She shares her story of a friend that never hurt her, but violated her for 15 years.  In my view of sexual addiction there would be pain and physical harm, but in Feree’s case her view of her abuser was of gentleness and compassion.  The greatest impact was to view a little girl that was being fondled in a gentle way, and in her story of recovery her view was a picture of rape and physical harm and she lived in silence of her violations, but she longed for the intimacy that came from her predator.  It gave me a totally different view of what many other women go through that become addicted to this type of abuse.  I see a clearer vision in my understanding of how to empathize with this woman, and I feel the book will give me greater understanding in the lives of women that struggle and act out in this confusing way.  I could feel the sense of abandonment and the lack of intimacy that she shared in her struggle through recovery.  The book is a powerful tool, and one that I believe can lead to redemption.  While the church has slept through the process of this terrible thing that has plagued our culture, this is a riveting story of how grace and restoration came to a very broken and confused family.  I applaud her courage to disclose her brokenness and to help others come to a greater understanding, and to open the eyes and ears of Christians.   I hope I will be able to use this information in my counseling process and I believe the book has definitely given me a great sense of understanding.  Not to condone the sin, but to understand how this can happen and the empathy I need to address it in my professional career. 

                                                           The Problem

     Feree (2010) gives her personal experience of what she believes to be sexual addiction in women.  She addresses the issues of our culture and the model of how our views have been distorted about how it seems acceptable behavior for boys to pursue sex, but the views of girls is quite the opposite and is addressed as perverted.  In her view women are not supposed to enjoy sex.  Feree is very clear that sexual addiction is a sin, but it is also a deeper level of a disease.  It does not take away the responsibility of the damage that is causes and the accountability of what the addict has done in their sinful behavior.

     Many sex addicts have been abused themselves.  The majority of them have abandonment issues, and are lacking intimacy in their relationships.  Many women will not address the issue of sexual addiction because the label is so horrible that most of them will continue to live in silence.  The shame of living a double life is overwhelming.  Signs of sexual addiction are depression, marital or relationship issues, substance abuse, eating disorders and personality disorders that are closely associated to sexual addiction (Feree, 2010).

     After learning about neurochemistry and how the brain responds in the areas of pleasure associated with sex, I agree that the addiction becomes a disease when left untreated.  Sex becomes similar to a hit of cocaine that provides the addict with the amount of dopamine to allow that fixation.  We have no control over pleasure areas of our bodies and in the event of sexual abuse of a child, I think it is possible over a period of time that addiction can become a disease even to a child that has been violated in this way and it continues in adulthood despite the shame.

                                                Family Dynamics

     There is a picture of what sexual abuse looks like to many people, and in many cases the violations are nonviolent.   Most sexual abuse occurs with people that are very close to the family.  In my personal experience when I was a child I was violated and it was a painful and discomforting experience and I was able to tell my mother.  The assault did not occur but a few times, but it did have an impact on my views of what healthy sexuality truly was.  In the case of Feree is was a man that worked with her father in ministry and he never hurt her, and in her mind he was being loving to her and it continued for a process of fifteen years.  Many girls are vulnerable and do not understand or discern the nature of sex at such a young age.  They are innocent and have no escape in many of these situations.  The lasting impact is the longing for intimacy and the love of a lost parent or in Feree’s case; a father that devoted his life to ministries, that was never there and losing her mother at such an early age of three.   My views of a sexual addict would be someone that caused physical pain and there was no comfort or enjoyment.  In Feree’s case her perceptions were that this person was compassionate and loving to her (Feree, 2010).

     There are healthy and unhealthy families.  In many situations secrets are not allowed to be talked about and swept under the rug.  Also unhealthy families will disallow negative feelings and they are not to be entertained.  It is to pretend the problem does not exist.  Many unhealthy families blame the child and accuse them of having a dirty mind.  Unhealthy families blame others and never take responsibility for the wrongs. 

                                                Treatment of Sexual Addiction

      Feree addresses tools of recovery and she suggests to pray daily and attend twelve step meetings, and to work the steps.  These steps consist of making peace with God, making peace with ourselves, making peace with others and maintaining the peace and giving it away.  Reading recovery literature is helpful; journal writing and establishing accountability consisting of a sponsor, and a recovery network.  Sexual addicts should seek to establish physical boundaries avoiding sex and mental emotional boundaries while enforcing those boundaries and continuing recovery.  I agree that the twelve step program is a start on the road to healing and redemption.  I feel that after reading this book that it added a great deal to my learning experiences and feel more confident to approach sexual addictions than I did before, and understand a great deal more than before (Feree, 2010).

                                             Sexual Addiction and the Church

      The church can no longer turn its eye’s away from sexual addiction.  It is a growing problem within the church itself.  We have a religious perception that sex is wrong or an ugly subject.  There are mixed messages for women to look attractive, but then condemns them for having sex.  There is a false sense that Christian marriages do not have sexual problems, and this is simply not the case.  Girls are taught that we must be good in order to be worthy of love, and if we are sexual we are bad.  Mixed messages are displayed that we must be sexual in order to be lovable.  We have been taught to value our woman hood by how desirable we are sexually or romantically.   Feree stated “Rather than offering grace and help to struggling believers, the church has usually been quick to shoot it’s wounded as Charles Swindoll describes it (p.55). 

     The church has failed miserably and it is time to stop throwing stones at women that struggle with sexual addictions.  They need to be encouraged toward educated approaches that have been proven to help (Feree, 2010).  I would have to agree with Feree completely on the stance that the church has taken.  To understand healthy sexuality there are biblical principles that teach us the meaning and God never demonstrated that sex was a shameful thing in the committed area of relationships between a man and woman.  Our distorted perceptions of misdirected thoughts of sex I feel may have contributed to the problem.  There is a great need for help in these areas and to provide the same type of encouragement that Jesus did when he dealt with the issues of women that were caught in adultery.  He told us that he did not come to condemn the world, but to save that which was lost.  Sexual addiction is a dark place and instead of throwing stones, we need to help these broken people get the spiritual counseling that is needed in order for them to enter recovery.  Grace and mercy are extensions that Christ has shown to each of us, and we have all fallen short.

     I feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to read and examine some of the processes of sexual addictions and to be reminded of how Jesus viewed women and never condemned them, even in the very act which they were caught.  We can no longer ignore those that long to reach out for help.  We must equip ourselves with the Holy Spirit having greater understanding of God’s word and how we are supposed to respond to the broken and abandoned.  It is my prayer that though books like No stones we can become aware of the damages we do by turning those that are hurting away.

                                                           References

Ferree, M.C. (2010) No stones; Women redeemed from sexual addiction