Reaction to No Stones, Women who have been redeemed of Sexual Addiction

     It seems to be out of the norm to hear about sexual addiction among women, but Marnie C. Ferree demonstrates courageous strength in identifying with what many women have been dealing with since the beginning of time.  The paper is a reaction to what was demonstrated in the book of No Stones:  Women redeemed from sexual addiction.  Several topics will be addressed such as the problems surrounding sexual addiction, family dynamics, treatment of sexual addiction and the role of the church.  A personal outlook will address how Marnie Ferree addresses the issues of sexual addiction among women.

                                                         Introduction

     No stones had a profound impact on how I viewed a women’s story of sexual addiction.  I feel the book is a blessing to anyone that struggles with any type of addiction, especially women dealing with sexual addictions.  The book gave me a different outlook of sexual abuse and women that carry those wounds.  Feree will demonstrate our views and they seem to be very informative on thoughts of abandonment issues along with what is defined in our psyche as sexual abuse.  She shares her story of a friend that never hurt her, but violated her for 15 years.  In my view of sexual addiction there would be pain and physical harm, but in Feree’s case her view of her abuser was of gentleness and compassion.  The greatest impact was to view a little girl that was being fondled in a gentle way, and in her story of recovery her view was a picture of rape and physical harm and she lived in silence of her violations, but she longed for the intimacy that came from her predator.  It gave me a totally different view of what many other women go through that become addicted to this type of abuse.  I see a clearer vision in my understanding of how to empathize with this woman, and I feel the book will give me greater understanding in the lives of women that struggle and act out in this confusing way.  I could feel the sense of abandonment and the lack of intimacy that she shared in her struggle through recovery.  The book is a powerful tool, and one that I believe can lead to redemption.  While the church has slept through the process of this terrible thing that has plagued our culture, this is a riveting story of how grace and restoration came to a very broken and confused family.  I applaud her courage to disclose her brokenness and to help others come to a greater understanding, and to open the eyes and ears of Christians.   I hope I will be able to use this information in my counseling process and I believe the book has definitely given me a great sense of understanding.  Not to condone the sin, but to understand how this can happen and the empathy I need to address it in my professional career. 

                                                           The Problem

     Feree (2010) gives her personal experience of what she believes to be sexual addiction in women.  She addresses the issues of our culture and the model of how our views have been distorted about how it seems acceptable behavior for boys to pursue sex, but the views of girls is quite the opposite and is addressed as perverted.  In her view women are not supposed to enjoy sex.  Feree is very clear that sexual addiction is a sin, but it is also a deeper level of a disease.  It does not take away the responsibility of the damage that is causes and the accountability of what the addict has done in their sinful behavior.

     Many sex addicts have been abused themselves.  The majority of them have abandonment issues, and are lacking intimacy in their relationships.  Many women will not address the issue of sexual addiction because the label is so horrible that most of them will continue to live in silence.  The shame of living a double life is overwhelming.  Signs of sexual addiction are depression, marital or relationship issues, substance abuse, eating disorders and personality disorders that are closely associated to sexual addiction (Feree, 2010).

     After learning about neurochemistry and how the brain responds in the areas of pleasure associated with sex, I agree that the addiction becomes a disease when left untreated.  Sex becomes similar to a hit of cocaine that provides the addict with the amount of dopamine to allow that fixation.  We have no control over pleasure areas of our bodies and in the event of sexual abuse of a child, I think it is possible over a period of time that addiction can become a disease even to a child that has been violated in this way and it continues in adulthood despite the shame.

                                                Family Dynamics

     There is a picture of what sexual abuse looks like to many people, and in many cases the violations are nonviolent.   Most sexual abuse occurs with people that are very close to the family.  In my personal experience when I was a child I was violated and it was a painful and discomforting experience and I was able to tell my mother.  The assault did not occur but a few times, but it did have an impact on my views of what healthy sexuality truly was.  In the case of Feree is was a man that worked with her father in ministry and he never hurt her, and in her mind he was being loving to her and it continued for a process of fifteen years.  Many girls are vulnerable and do not understand or discern the nature of sex at such a young age.  They are innocent and have no escape in many of these situations.  The lasting impact is the longing for intimacy and the love of a lost parent or in Feree’s case; a father that devoted his life to ministries, that was never there and losing her mother at such an early age of three.   My views of a sexual addict would be someone that caused physical pain and there was no comfort or enjoyment.  In Feree’s case her perceptions were that this person was compassionate and loving to her (Feree, 2010).

     There are healthy and unhealthy families.  In many situations secrets are not allowed to be talked about and swept under the rug.  Also unhealthy families will disallow negative feelings and they are not to be entertained.  It is to pretend the problem does not exist.  Many unhealthy families blame the child and accuse them of having a dirty mind.  Unhealthy families blame others and never take responsibility for the wrongs. 

                                                Treatment of Sexual Addiction

      Feree addresses tools of recovery and she suggests to pray daily and attend twelve step meetings, and to work the steps.  These steps consist of making peace with God, making peace with ourselves, making peace with others and maintaining the peace and giving it away.  Reading recovery literature is helpful; journal writing and establishing accountability consisting of a sponsor, and a recovery network.  Sexual addicts should seek to establish physical boundaries avoiding sex and mental emotional boundaries while enforcing those boundaries and continuing recovery.  I agree that the twelve step program is a start on the road to healing and redemption.  I feel that after reading this book that it added a great deal to my learning experiences and feel more confident to approach sexual addictions than I did before, and understand a great deal more than before (Feree, 2010).

                                             Sexual Addiction and the Church

      The church can no longer turn its eye’s away from sexual addiction.  It is a growing problem within the church itself.  We have a religious perception that sex is wrong or an ugly subject.  There are mixed messages for women to look attractive, but then condemns them for having sex.  There is a false sense that Christian marriages do not have sexual problems, and this is simply not the case.  Girls are taught that we must be good in order to be worthy of love, and if we are sexual we are bad.  Mixed messages are displayed that we must be sexual in order to be lovable.  We have been taught to value our woman hood by how desirable we are sexually or romantically.   Feree stated “Rather than offering grace and help to struggling believers, the church has usually been quick to shoot it’s wounded as Charles Swindoll describes it (p.55). 

     The church has failed miserably and it is time to stop throwing stones at women that struggle with sexual addictions.  They need to be encouraged toward educated approaches that have been proven to help (Feree, 2010).  I would have to agree with Feree completely on the stance that the church has taken.  To understand healthy sexuality there are biblical principles that teach us the meaning and God never demonstrated that sex was a shameful thing in the committed area of relationships between a man and woman.  Our distorted perceptions of misdirected thoughts of sex I feel may have contributed to the problem.  There is a great need for help in these areas and to provide the same type of encouragement that Jesus did when he dealt with the issues of women that were caught in adultery.  He told us that he did not come to condemn the world, but to save that which was lost.  Sexual addiction is a dark place and instead of throwing stones, we need to help these broken people get the spiritual counseling that is needed in order for them to enter recovery.  Grace and mercy are extensions that Christ has shown to each of us, and we have all fallen short.

     I feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to read and examine some of the processes of sexual addictions and to be reminded of how Jesus viewed women and never condemned them, even in the very act which they were caught.  We can no longer ignore those that long to reach out for help.  We must equip ourselves with the Holy Spirit having greater understanding of God’s word and how we are supposed to respond to the broken and abandoned.  It is my prayer that though books like No stones we can become aware of the damages we do by turning those that are hurting away.

                                                           References

Ferree, M.C. (2010) No stones; Women redeemed from sexual addiction  

    

        

                  

 

 

Comparing Controversial Issues of Healthy and Unhealthy Sexuality

                        Comparing Controversial Issues of Healthy and Unhealthy Sexuality

                                              

 

 Introduction

     There is a growing trend of controversy on many sensitive subjects concerning sexuality and how they should be addressed.  The media and information technology has added a great deal of influence of how lives are viewed and pressures of what is acceptable, verses what can be damaging concerning sexuality.   It seems there is a vast array of confusion about what is a healthy and authentic, verse what is harmful and leads down a path of brokenness and destruction.   These areas will be examined and debated while seeking a healthy and whole recourse of how God intended us to live our lives to be whole and with purpose.

                                      
                                                       I.  Singleness, Teenage Pregnancy

     According to Amanda Gardner (September, 2012) from USA Today, she explains what a poor job our society has done teaching our children sexual education in the public school system, and how parents have neglected to talk to kids about sex, because of their embarrassment on the subject.  Gardener feels that contraceptives or the discussion of STD’s has not been addressed enough with the young, nor have teenagers been directed to wait and have sexual relations later on.  There are many ad campaigns on erectile dysfunction but no birth control options and emergency contraception available.  According to Gardner are we doing things backwards?  She expresses that the media is unhealthy and not realistic and promotes sex that does not address the consequences of sexual behavior. (Gardner, Amanda, 2012).

     It is very true that parents have been ashamed to discuss sexual experience with their children and it is not productive to just tell them no.  There is much more to human sexuality and the media is collecting upon the vulnerabilities of our youth.  I do not however agree that birth control is the option to teach our children what sexual purity is and why it is important for them to abstain even though their experience of raging hormones are a part of their development.  This issue is nothing to be ashamed of, but our children need to be prepared and understand what is happening to them, or it can become uncontrollable.  The church has an obligation to teach our children about these topics as well and we need to identify with them and understand them as God does.  There are consequences of the wrong choices that we make if we are not acting in accordance with the Holy Spirit.   “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.  The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.  For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.  Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit. (1 Thessalonians 4 3:8 (NIV).  This does not mean that sex is bad but it was meant for committed relationships and ordained by God, the point remains that if restraint is not studied or explained it can spiral into a life time of repeated destruction.

     What is failed to be addressed is that birth control is offering teens a way to continue into destructive patterns that allow them to have no consequence of what they are doing.  What needs to be identified is recognizing that behavior, one’s attitude or activities that are not driven by or grounded in committed, caring, trusting love for the other person and it is self-centered.   While the media has focused on teenage peer groups that are influenced around the consumption of fulfilling a physical desire without considering the consequences of the choices that are made, the disheartening truth of legalized abortion comes into question with many teenage girls who possibly do not consider the consequences of what may occur later in life or the lasting results of the guilt, murder and psychological damage that has occurred.  There is a pattern of not being accountable for the decision that one might be making which leads into a more painful area of destruction.   Many times abortion is used as a birth control, so I think it is unwise to focus on education of birth control as abortion is also considered one of those options.  It can be desensitized as birth control, but as believers we clearly understand it is murder, but the prochoice option is that you have the right to destroy another life that cannot defend itself legally.  This continues to take focus away from responsibility and God’s original plan.  This is greatly debated across the country today as there have been over twenty million abortions performed since 1973 Roe Verses Wade.  (Clinton, Tim HS 502).  It is apparent that if we continue to focus upon birth control many more lives of the innocent will have to pay the price for our irresponsible choices.   I strongly disagree this approach only creates a more destructive path.

       Post Abortion Syndrome can last for many years leaving the mother feeling that she will never be worthy again.  Many women do not have the ability to process the painful emotions that come from abortion.  It can be parallel to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Many times girls are coerced by their family or father of the baby.  The average age that girls are the most vulnerable are between the ages of 14-24.  While we certainly do not want to promote abortions to women, if this has occurred it is very important that they know there is no sin
God cannot and does not want to forgive.   All of these situations come into play when dealing with an unwanted pregnancy.  There are options like adoption that would be a better course of action than simply destroying a life.

     In an article written by (Savage, Lauren, June 2011), she states “Just because we are not ready or able to commit to someone emotionally, does not mean we cannot fulfill our desires sexually.  Or are friends with benefits designed to crash and burn?  This demonstrates what many young singles are facing today that are not willing to commit, but have sexual desires that are longing to be met.   She basically states that sexual bonds only are not appropriate for everyone but if your emotions are up for it there are rules that should be followed.  The most important thing is to make sure you are only interested in a physical aspect of the connection.  Do not mistake sex for intimacy or deeper connections and if those feelings start to occur end the relationship immediately.  (Savage, Lauren, 2011).

     This is a primary example of where the media has taken us.  The views here are we can be physical beings and there is no need for intimacy.   Many fail to understand that sexuality and spirituality are not separate.  Sexuality is a definite expression of spiritual intimacy. 
We know this to be true because it is reflective of a relationship with God.  Here we can examine that after the fall of man sexuality became selfish.  Sex was designed so that we would meet each other’s needs not that we would seek to desire our own selfishly.  Many singles are acting out of loneliness, but sexuality involves much more than having sex.  This type of attitude goes hand in hand with the development of evolution and it will be addressed later in the paper, but this type of attitude goes against creation and how God created us.  This attitude usually ends in pain because it is not meant to separate sexual desire from intimacy.  It is important to know that God can redeem anything and also to know we are created above the animals in God’s own image which separates us from other creeping things.  We are not an accident or a part of natural selection, but were purposed and willed in God’s divine image.

       The church should be prepared to dispense grace when it comes to sexual problems.  It is very important to have leadership that is comfortable with their own sexuality.  Heart change is a part of reconciliation and redemption back to God that does not want us to suffer or injure ourselves.  True love is worth waiting for and it is a healing experience to understand the true covenant of marriage that is often ignored by simple saying just say no.  It is important to come to the realization that God is in the business of making things beautiful and are not meant to be shameful.  Even the church has a misconception of the gift of healthy sexuality.  Very often even Christians have a shameful view of sex.  Sex is meant to be an intimate experience with a committed covenant that involves intimacy and wholeness in a loving manner towards each other and God (Hawkins, Ron HS 103).  In the views of evolution lust is more than willing to take over the views of covenant marriage and try’s to focus on urges to pro create and while we were created physically and to have those needs, we were created in his own image and it was a purposeful one that requires self-control.   Self-control is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit and keeps us connected to our Creator.  The fall of man was because of his lack of self-control, and we have been fighting against these sins since the beginning of time.

     In Psychology Today (Judith Orloff, August 2011) discusses the areas of love and lust and questions whether we understand the difference.  Signs of lust include one that is totally focused upon their looks and body.  You want sex but have no interest in conversation; you are lovers but not friends.  She addresses signs of love which include; you enjoy quality time together other than having sex.  Both listen to each other’s feelings and attempt to make each other happy.  Both people motivate each other to be better people.  You want to meet each other’s family and friends.  (Orloff, 2011) states “Pure lust is bases solely on physical attraction and fantasy, it often dissipates when the real person surfaces.”  While I agree with the information from the article there is not much stated about union of a covenant that was never meant to be broken, or how we should address those issues of lust that have seemed to lead us down the wrong path in our relationships.  Eros is a passionate love that can be compared to lust that is only temporary.  It often involves erotica and burning desire that should only be demonstrated in a committed relationship, because very often this type of emotion plays out and the relationship will end.  In the communion of marriage there is freedom to play and have the greatest passion towards each other.  A Godly relationship is a cord of three and God has given them the joy of freedom to desire and please one another in complete fulfillment.  

                         
                                II. Pornography, Extra Marital Affairs and Cohabitation

     The media has promoted a false sense of sexuality and most women have been portrayed as objects to be lusted after which has lead our culture to have little value of the purpose of committed covenants established by God.  We might have to ask ourselves what is the price of perfection and who is defining that definition.  Women have been placed upon the advertisement billboards in entertainment and we have to wonder has the exploitation improved in our era?  Sadly since media has demonstrated this idea our culture has taken on the same attributes(Stephanie Berberick, 2010).

     Men often compare women in their personal relationships to what they perceive in the media whether it be television, magazines or billboards.  This has led to drastic increases in plastic surgeries, an increase in sexual assaults, along with many eating disorders.  (Berberick, 2010) stated, “Many women find they are not happy with themselves or their bodies and the media machine is pushing more images that refuse to let women find peace.” (p.5, pg. 1).  In our culture women are instructed how to behave, how to dress and apply makeup and what the world perceives her body should look like and how they are to treat their lover.  There is a great deal of exploitation especially in advertising which makes it almost impossible to escape.  It reduces women to a collection of body parts and gives an effect that they are less than human.  It seems to be a popular stance for women to have as many sexual partners as possible and if you can sell your sexiness then you have the power to do anything.   When behaviors are modeled in this form pornography is adopted into the equation that can create long lasting damage and destruction upon a women’s ability to keep up the pace and compete with visualizations that come from pornography.  We are sending the wrong signal when sex becomes competitive, because whoever hooks up with the most boys becomes the coolest girl.  Men begin to develop thinking patterns that women are playthings.  More women are suffering from depression, eating disorders, rape and discontentment to model a visual standard that is impossible to follow.  Sadly while trying to keep up the pace of sexy or desirable intimate relationships are damaged and lose their meaning and the result follows high risk behaviors that are self-destructive (Stephanie N. Berberick, 2010).

     According to (Joshua Scott, 2012), from Men’s Health magazine men admit when they view hard core pornography it will surface in dreams and also in intimate sexual relations with other women.  Men carry images of erotic images and some experience anxiety in their relationships with their partners because they cannot separate those images from their partners.  Evolution believes that men have evolved to pursue busty women who are more than happy to engage in casual sex.  Pornography offers easy access to commitment free sex with multiple partners.  This behavior can be dangerous and can reinforce behavior in the same way that cocaine would.  When men think below the belt line they have little judgment and do not make good decisions.  Men that view pornographic material are more likely to have extra marital affairs.  Scott (2012) quoted “We’re being impacted all the time by what we consume with our eyes and ears and brains.  There is no question about it.” (p. 5).  Men deny that pornography has this effect upon them but statistically this is not true.  According to Scott he states “when you have an orgasm, there’s a release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, presumably to bind you to your partner, if your viewing pornography, your partner is the screen in front of you.” (p. 7).

     Men are struggling against many issues as well, such as guilt, fear and discouragement and this blocks their abilities to worship God and hold their head up high according to Steve Arterburn (HS 402).  We have a standard to live by and men have to decide what that will be for their lives.  The world’s standard allows what two people agree upon and the church’s standard is to try harder and to be good.  There is a worldly standard and one that was created by God and we are forever struggling between them.  Sexual integrity comes from one person and that person is a man’s wife.  To make a commitment with the eyes is to bounce one’s eyes away.  When this occurs a man’s wife will be more attracted towards him.  A husband will honor God and his wife and a man’s wife will begin to connect with him (Arterburn, Steve HS 402).

     In an article of Ethic health (April, 2013), there is expression of extra marital affairs being common among men and women both.  Where once there were divine connections in earlier times but because of modern times and changes in culture life is overpowered by materialism and family is only considered as a social structure.  If marriage is damaged and strained because of neglect then extramarital affairs is a concern.  When two people can no longer communicate it can be a critical risk factor.  According to Power in Data (Alice G.
Walton, Feb, 2012) identifies that marriage is a big commitment.   There is a fear factor that is determining more acts of cohabitation because the anxiety of what happens in divorce.  Co habitation makes it easier to end the relationship with out the financial strain of ruin.  It seems the primary reason is the fear of divorce.  NBC News reported (Jo Nel Aleccia, May, 2013) that women are adapting more to cohabitation relationships and are lasting longer according to a government study.  The article expresses that it is becoming more widely acceptable to be in a committed relationship without the legal document to bind it.  Cohabitating is making sure that the women were ready for the challenges of marriage. 

   People are in constant spiritual warfare, and we see that fear of divorce is the primary reason for cohabitating and pressures that can lead up to being unfaithful in committed relationships.  We sincerely need to learn Godly desires in our healthy relationships, and sex was created to be intimate and fulfilling and not something dirty and to be ashamed to discuss.  We should be open in our communications about sex that leads to long lasting intimacy.  Our past culture had a perception that sex was disgusting and that is what led to the fall of Adam and Eve and this is simply a fable and untrue.  Sexuality was created as a gift by God that is to be a joyful experience and not a shameful act.  Most people that fall into temptation are seeking intimacy that is lacking in their committed relationships.  We can no longer avoid the topic of sex because it is vital that we see it as God see’s it and it is not an ugly act, it was meant for pleasure among two people to please one another in a committed relationship.  (Laaser, Mark, HS 102).

                                               
                                                       III. Homosexuality

     According to David P. Barash (Nov. 2012), from the Chronicle of Higher Education homosexuality is viewed in the natural selection process through evolution.  Statistics show that homosexual men produce only 20 percent of children compared to heterosexual men.  This article is led by science and biology but is clearly speaking on the terms of evolution.  It has been an amazing journey to see how much of the evolution process in engrained in our culture that fuels our sexual preferences and identifies.  According to David Haskell (March 2013) Haskell quoted “Stepping from the northern border of the mall into the Smithsonian’s National History we come face to face with our great ape ancestors.”  Apes once shared homosexual tendencies and this is the theory of a natural occurrence with homosexuality.   We can clearly see throughout the conclusions of the paper that evolutionary thoughts have taken over the views of having a loving creator that endorsed a man and woman to become one flesh.  In researching over the materials that I have gathered I discovered something hidden that I was completely unaware of.  We will address biology verses creation among those that struggle with homosexuality and this will conclude my discoveries of learning some of the hidden factors of damage that evolution has caused in every facet of sexuality.

     It is true that many people struggle with these tendencies but just because someone struggles with attraction of the same sex does not mean they are homosexual.  Many do not choose to experience this behavior but there are choices about what to do with these tendencies through God’s power and mercy that is made available to them.  We can help those acknowledge those experiences without integrating them into a gay lifestyle.  They can be encouraged to meet physical and emotional needs in other areas.  Mark Yarhouse quoted that “counseling alone is not enough to change someone’s lifestyle.  The power to change results from a growing relationship with Jesus Christ.  It is not the tendency that can be helped, but one area that can be controlled through spiritual counseling and help from others that have experienced the same tendencies and have found sanctification in there recovery.

     We have briefly identified with many controversial issues relating to our culture that affects our ideals about sexuality.  Believers in Christ have often injured others or often ignored those that were dealing with the emotional effects of sin.  This has given way to the form of media and culture to establish these patterns while the church as slipped sexuality under the carpet because of the shameful feelings that we as believers may all be struggling with.  Sex is not a shameful act and until we can properly identify these issues according to how God identifies with them we cannot help these broken areas that desperately need to be redeemed.

 

                                                     References  

Aleccia, JoNel (May 5, 2013) the new normal: Cohabitation on the rise, study finds

Barash, David (Nov 2012), The Evolutionary Mystery of Homosexuality

Ethnic Health (April 2013), Extramarital affairs and its possible solutions

Featherstone, Liza (June 2012) You, Me and Porn Makes Three

Gardner, Amanda (Sept 2010) Teens “unhealthy sex exposure blamed on TV, music,
         Web

Haskell, David G. (March 29, 2013) Nature’s case for Same Sex Marriages

Orloff, Judith (August 15, 2011) Psychology Today; Lust vs Love: Do you know the                          difference.

Savage, Lauren (June 2011) Life 2 Point Oh; No strings attached: Does Sex
           Without Commitment Work?

Scott, Joshua (April 2013) Men’s Health; Is Porn Harmful?

Walton, Alice (Feb 2012) Power in Data; The Marriage Problem:  Why many are choosing     cohabitation instead.

 

  

Precepts of Sexuality

                                                            Precepts of Sexuality

     Sexuality has been distorted on many levels in our modern culture.  Christians face a great deal of spiritual warfare around the subject of sexuality.  This is not the way that God intended for it to be, but since the fall of Adam and Eve there has been a shameful cloud that has been harboring over views concerning sexuality.  Sex was created by God himself, and he ordained it from the beginning of creation.  We seriously need to guard our hearts over these attacks so we can learn to fulfill our God-given desires through godly healthy relationships (Laaser, M. HS 102).

     Our present culture has transformed the meaning of sex into an economic craze of immorality.  Character has not been considered by the greed of the wealthy that have progressed into a vacuum destroying the moral value of sexuality.  It is a problem that all people face because of the desensitizing media that has pointed in the direction of sexual exploitation.  Godly sexuality is meant to bring us into an authentic relationship through communicating, making a connection between each other, and communion in marriage (Balswick & Balswick, 2003).

      Authentic sexuality is not shameful, and God created it to be natural.  God made man and woman to respond to one another in intimate ways as part of His sovereign plan in the communion of marriage.  Godly relationships treat one another with honor and deep respect, and this union was not meant to be exploited by shame because God fully intended for the act of sex to be for enjoyment.  Less than one hundred years ago couples were told not to engage in too much intercourse because the act of sex is what lead Adam and Eve down the wrong path.  Sex was viewed as disgusting or shameful, and this is not what the scriptures show us to be true.  This is a direct act of how culture, even among the church can develop misconceptions that are invaded by culture (Balswick & Balswick, 2003).

     Sin can distort the act of sex itself and this is a direct correlation of the fall of man.  We no longer live in a perfect state, and with the fall came turmoil that effected every perception of our lives.  While sexuality was God’s gift designed by a man and woman under a covenant the distortion has led us away from God’s divine plan because of our fallen nature.  Sin has disrupted our relationships in many areas of jealousy, slander, murder, neglect and guilt since that time of deception in the garden.  It was the disobedience that led to sin and not the willful communion of sex between Adam and Eve.  Sex was created by God to be enjoyed between man and woman by their covenant to God and each other (Balswick & Balswick, 2003). 

     According to Hawkins, R. HS 103, we as believers have to come to the understanding that God created beautiful things, and sex was not meant to be a shameful act between committed couples.  The church as failed to teach Godly principles on the subject of sex, and parents have avoided training their children in the understanding of healthy sexuality.  The subject of sex has been swept under the rug and I feel a reason for this is because of the misconception of culture and the shame the church has portrayed on the subject.  An important thing to remember is God created sex for our good and our pleasure, and it was not intended to be an evil act the way that the church has addressed it.  God had a plan between a man and woman to enter into a covenant with him, and the two would become one flesh and created sex to fulfill relationships with intimacy and a closer walk with God.

     We can read in Genesis 1:26-31 and Song of Solomon 2:24-25 how God sanctified His purposes and it is a huge misconception to belief that sex is an evil act.  The church has failed to teach these principles, while ignoring the subject under the perceptions of embarrassment and shame.  Believers strife to abide by the fruit of the spirit and one important aspect is self-control.  If we have no self-control it can lead to ungodliness and causes constrains in all aspects of life.  This clearly does not demonstrate extinction, nor is shame considered to be
God’s logic or reasoning.  There is no satisfaction in the appetite of sex outside of a covenant and God’s heart is through the act of marriage and commitment. Genesis 2: 18-25, Proverbs 5: 1-23 (Hawkins, Ron HS 103).

      There is an understanding of why God instituted a covenant and this clearly needs to be understood in our modern culture.  Modern sexuality has become distorted by the viewing of media and cultural values that lead to sin.  If sex is taken out of the protection of marriage, relationships become further apart sexually than ever before, so when God designed his plan he also had our wellbeing at the closeness of his heart so our lives would be created in wholeness.

There are values in relationships for making sex a priority and it would include intimacy in the relationship and time should be scheduled for the fulfilling of these needs.  God is creative and we should also be creative when loving our partners as long as both consenting (Hart, A., Hart, C., Weber & Taylor HS 105).

     Until we understand these important precepts towards sexuality, there will be little change in  our modern culture.  Until the church makes a stand to defend sexuality as pureness and Godly in a covenant relationship there will be a distortion that among believers sex is evil or an undesirable subject.  It is the ultimate responsibility of believers to speak truthfully and scripturally about the precepts concerning sexuality and how God intended us to have healthy and fulfilling relations in our marriages that create wholeness and completeness in our lives.

     Men need to feel respected, and women have a need for quality relationships and through our modern culture we have seen the damage that has been created through the structure of our families and distorted views.  There is a need for sacred trust.  Ephesians 5:33 explains how a woman needs to feel loved.  When this happens the husband in turn will have a more responsive partner if he demonstrates that love towards her (Mayo, J. HS 205).  Russ Willington (HS 206) addresses a critical point that we should clearly understand as he stated “Christians who live in bondage to shame are missing the freedom and pleasure that God intended for them to experience.  This can lead to sad consequences outside of a covenant, because sex will never be complete without the nurturing of true intimacy that is ordained by God through our love towards him.  It leads to bitterness, betrayal, broken families and self-condemning shame.  He clearly designed sexuality to be enjoyable and not something to confuse with evil.  He also understood the complications of what would occur if self-control was not understood in the covenant of marriage.  As believers we have failed to give these warnings.  We often speak of sexuality as an evil entity distorted with shame, but that was never God’s intention.  God designed it for our pleasure and to also be fruitful. 

     Relationships have to be nurtured and not neglected.  While working on our lives together we have to look at the positive things in our partner, and laugh with them and also learn how to touch without it being sexual at times.  God does not abandon us without instructions and clearly explains it in the writings of the Song of Solomon.  There are clear instructions on how to avoid pain in our relationships.  Chris McCluskey (HS 202), stated “Couples who learn how to enjoy the spirit of the act of making love, have a unique “super glue” that holds their marriage together and glorifies God through their oneness.”

     In my conclusion of sexual precepts there is one very important thing that every believer needs to consider about sexuality;  The church and culture have mislead the understanding that sex is a behavior, and it is up to each individual to choose in the appropriation, however; the Bible teaches something different.  God created sexuality and it is about the whole person, and not just a behavior or choice.  When our young generation struggle in these areas it is up to believers to help them understand what is behind these natural urges and drives and not to destroy these occurrences with shame and distortions.  God hardwired men and women to be in union with one another in a commitment of marriage.  If we cannot explain these things to the young, they will be distorted in their views of sexuality and will be trodden under by the popularity of modern sexuality that has no structure of morality.  While we steer towards the marriage vows being destroyed by the media, what are we doing in our churches to address these issues scripturally.  Just say no is not enough.  We have to teach and evaluate the outcome of what can occur when those natural feelings are out of control.

       There are consequences and reasons why God ordained a covenant between a man and a woman.  It was to create wholeness and trust that leads to a fulfilling life in Him, and when we engage those natural experiences with out that bond of union, our relationships are destroyed and the scars are left with shame and unworthiness.  I think we can do better.  The media is winning and destroying the moral character of the covenant of marriage as we sit quietly and refuse to look at these Godly precepts.  We can no longer ignore these things.  Judgment starts at the house of God and we can no longer ignore these serious issues and the sadness of their outcome.

 

                                                             References:

Balswick Judith K.., Balswick Jack O. (2003) Authentic Human Sexuality;An Integrated

     Christian  Approach 2^nd Edition

Hawkins, Ron (HS 103) God’s Great Idea:  Toward a Theology of Sexuality

Laaser, Mark (HS 102) The Seven Desires:  The Roots of Healthy Relationships

Mayo, Joseph M.D, Mayo, Mary Ann, MA (HS 205) Sex after 40: Menopause and Aging

McClusky, Chris (HS 202) The Spirit of the Act:  Having Sex or Making Love?

Rosenau, D., Taylor, D., Sytsma, M. (HS 204)  Battling Disorders of Desire

Willingham, Russ (HS 206) Sexual Healing:  Breaking Free From Guilt, Shame, and the Past