Have You Truly Made Your Amends?

I have lived with regrets and hurt other people and while my past no longer controls who I am, there is accountabilities that follow through every injury. Anger is masked through hurt and when you steal a child's identity for selfish reasons in sobriety they are going to experience injustice and loss of what happened to their childhood. A great deal of emotional abuse is covered with alcohol and substances, but when we rise above those numbing factors, reality is still there in their minds. 

     
       Never excuse your behavior and there are times we have to listen to those that we have robbed and cheated, even when it sounds angry.  This is a part of the healing process and if you are not ready to deal with those issues then you are not equipped to deal with your past or your accountability over the damage that was done.  I pray for those that are not willing to understand or be honest.

      While we know that we are supposed to honor our father and mother, very close to that passage it also states that Father's do not provoke your son's to wrath. When dealing with these situations; until there is a breakthrough there is not one that can demand respect when they are not fully facing the damage of the hurt. Part of our accountability is taking responsibility over what we have done, and it doesn't mean disregarding those that we have harmed or playing it off. This will only accumulate more rage and resentment.  Those that show no remorse for damaging one’s life have not faced the truth. They need help to come to terms with what their actions have caused. Anger is DANGER when left to itself.

      Most of what someone wants is honesty, and an understanding of what was done to them. It is much easier for forgiveness to happen this way in families and relationships.   Children respect protection from their parents, and when protection  has been severed throughout their lives, rage builds and confusion over what happened to them is overwhelming. This happens many times in sexual abuse cases, as well as a parent that has continued to use drugs with their child.   Injustice creates anger and feelings that were stolen from them in innocence.   Every child wishes they could do what they want but in reality they grow up, and if they are allowed to destroy themselves with a parent's consent or participation, they later realize how much protection they truly needed while wondering how this could happen to them. We were never meant to be our children's friends, or include them in situations that could ruin their lives, or even kill them.   

     There are many unanswered questions of why they were violated, and blame that person when they become addicted to sex or drugs. This is a horrible battle of one moving through this in their recovery process, and is a step towards healing. It is a long road to acceptance, and learning to forgive those that hurt us unjustly.   Anger is part of it, and families that wish to make amends cannot do this without accountability for their actions. There is no covering or mask that God does not witness, and while many people seek God while searching for answers, this one thing cannot be skipped over. The injury has to heal and sometimes if there is no accountability, the person must deal with that anger alone. Through the process of forgiveness and restoration we must look to God, even when others fail us or remain to stay as they are. We have no control and in our healing we have to give that anger over to God or we self-destruct. Some things are too hard for us alone, but with God all things are possible. Prayers!

      Denial is spiritual blindness that leads to deception.  If you walk in spiritual blindness, you will never be able to see where you are going, or clearly hear God’s voice in your life.  This is not a blame game, or a post to trample anyone with condemnation; it is a heart cry for the innocence lost.  I will speak up for those that cannot speak, and my words will trust in the Holy Spirit to heal and restore brokenness.  My prayers will flood like a river into the utter most parts of those secret places where there is no voice.   It is for a little girl and boy that have carried this burden for way to long.  It is for the man or woman that cannot face up to their wrongs.   I pray transformation and reconciliation into the process of healing and recovery.  May God guide you and be with you on a journey towards freedom and restoration.  There is nothing that cannot be forgiven, but every stone will be turned over and no secret will be covered.

       God is whom I fear and I will not be moved.  We have all fallen short, and this journey is impossible to walk alone when chains are bound to our souls.  Any family that is going through these trials, there is no healing that can take place until we are able to own up to the damages we have done towards others.  I pray you will make a choice of accountability.   You owe it to yourself and also to your loved ones.  May God guide you in your decision to break the yoke of deception.   I pray that you will take that step. 

 

Breaking the Silence of Sexual Abuse in the Church

 

 

                                                                    Abstract

     Sexual abuse among the church is an unsettling thought, but despite the discomfort there is a huge concern of covering up or silencing the growing problem.  In our society today there has been a huge distortion of what healthy sexuality is and what it is not.  The word sex is still one that is very discomforting among main stream churches.  Very often sexual acts are covered up while perpetrators are sent off to other places to minister, and sexually abused victims are quieted and left alone to battle the afflictions of pain concerning sexual abuse.  Powers can be misrepresented and very little counseling on the subject of sex has been available, and this has given rise to the openness of the media while sexual addictions are continuing to flood into the churches.  The reality of protecting sexual offenders and silencing those victims that have been abused can no longer be acceptable or ignored.  There is no justice of throwing out the sexual offender to be able to reoffend.  There is no justice to silence the victim.  There must be accountability to the offender, and the victim must never be silenced into submission.  There is a growing need for trained advocates to respond to these problems and provide biblical solutions and extensive counseling to this growing population.   The purpose of the paper is a labor of love that is given as a wakeup call faced by institutions in all cases of sexual exploitations. There is urgency regardless of the cost to break the chains of silence in order to help those that suffer from the growing problems of sexual addictions and victimization.

 There is a great deal of discomfort among Christians when it comes to dealing with sexual issues, but there are subjects that need to be addressed in order for healing to come to those that are suffering from sexual abuse.   The silence of victims can no longer be ignored or tolerated among believers in the body of Christ.  Our culture has a distorted view of what authentic sexuality is and these misconceptions are not biblical.   (Miller, 1993) stated “ This labor of love is given as a wakeup call to a world just starting to stir to the rumblings of the incredible challenges faced by beloved institutions in cases of sexual exploitation in their midst.” (p.iii)

     Most people find it very difficult as well to address sexual abuse by church leaders, but for those that have survived; the effects of it are devastating.  Often time’s victims have been blamed and the perpetrators have been protected.  The Bible is clear according to Ezekiel 34, as he spoke to Israel concerning the Shepherds who are fulfilling their selfish desires, and God promises that he will rescue his sheep from their mouths, so they will no longer be food for them.  God speaks and says, “I myself will search for my sheep, and will seek them out.” (vs. 11)  God truly has a heart for those that have been violated (Block, 2011).

     Statistically one in three girls will be victimized, and one in six boys by the age of eighteen years of age.  Most cases of sexual abuse are never reported.  One third all people have been affected by sexual abuse, and with that number it would seem that more resources would be poured into that problem, but the epidemic is still largely hidden in our society.  Only in the last fifteen years is the problem even being recognized, but there are professionals and survivors that are making a difference.  There are misconceptions about sexual abuse; although violence does exist, but molesting a child is not always physically painful to them.  Most people that think in terms of sexual abuse see a very violent picture in their minds, but there are those that prey upon their victims lavishing them with affection and gifts while violating their innocence for their own personal satisfaction.  This can occur without violence or force, but through manipulation or a false sense of loving the victim.  A child lacks the emotional maturity to understand the exploitation that is involved.  The perpetrator can use their age and power to achieve their distorted view of personal satisfaction.   Most of the time the perpetrator is someone that is close, and has a trusting relationship with the family and victim (Ferree, 2010).

     There are behavior patterns of what to look for in a sexual perpetrator; these things should

be understood and also draw concern.  The victims are made to feel important and valued, and
there is a longing for dependence upon the perpetrator for their help and support.  The offender
will often convince the victim that they are the only one that understands them.  Gradually the
abuser can introduce sexual behaviors in a way that does not seem inappropriate to the victim,
which could begin with a simple hug while moving forward with intensity as time progresses. 
Finally the abuser is more blatant about their abusive behavior.  This type of cohesion is more
applicable through power driven sources.  Children or adolescents do not understand these types
of techniques, and they can be easily violated by those that they trust (Block, 2011).

       There are very damaging consequences with those that have been victimized by church

members, leaders or caregivers and have long lasting effects on a person.  The sexual violation
effects the victims entire life including their feelings, relationships, and how they view their
personal spirituality.  There are enormous amounts of fear, guilt and repressed anger.  The
violation can shatter the victim’s ability to trust anyone.  In the process of what happens, there is
often blame towards themselves, and feelings of shame and devalue consume their emotions. 
There are many things that follow a person that has been sexually abused, and some of the
symptoms include depression, panic disorders and sleeplessness.  Many victims have
experienced eating disorders and can appear to be tired most of the time.  A survivor of sexual
abuse has a very hard time having intimate relationships that would include healthy sexual
experiences later in life.  Many sexually abused victims will turn to drug and alcohol as a coping
mechanism, or could be suicidal and have self-destructive tendencies (Block, 2011).

      There are lasting spiritual effects that happen to those when trusted individuals injure them,

especially those that is closely associated with the church.  There is often a great deal of
betrayal and often one might believe that God has abandoned them.  They might also suffer from
self-blame, thinking it is their fault.  Many victims feel that they are unworthy of God’s love. 
One of the most important things we can do for someone that has suffered from sexual abuse is
to listen to them, believe them, and to reassure that the violation was not their fault.
 (Block, 2011).

      When sexual victims are turned away, or made to feel as if they have not told the truth they

are silenced and suffer internally, and this continues to affect every aspect of their lives.  This
silence in the church and the misconceptions concerning sexuality have to be examined, because 
if there is no help to be given there will continue to be more statistics that will be taken in other
ways, such as drug addictions, sexual addictions and possibly suicides, among many other self
destructive problems that will stem from the pain (Laaser, 2004).   

      The number one cause of death among the young is suicide.  While these are difficult

problems to address we truly cannot afford to deny them any longer or simply look the other
way.  Offenders must be held accountable and it is the church’s responsibility to see that they
also receive the help that they need.  When sexual abuse occurs it is the responsibility of
everyone to make sure that the one that has violated someone sexually is held accountable for
their actions.  Sexual victims also need to receive the proper care, and the most critical thing that
can be done for them is to hear them, and not blame or ignore their cries for help.

      (Miller, 1993), stated, “The termites continue to eat deeper, and more people continue to be

injured.  The solution, as Dee recognizes is to acknowledge and confront wrong, build more
precautions into the system and to educate for prevention in order to create healthier individuals,
and a healthier system” (p vi).  There is hope for victims of abuse and the secondary victim, el.e.,
the church itself.  That hope will only exist if we examine the dynamics and stop denying,
avoiding, ignoring, and no longer burying our heads in the sand.  According to Miller she stated,
“the message of How Little We Knew is clear; This is no bad dream about to go away if we just
wait for things to settle down” (p. vii).

       (Balswick, 2008)explains that “one victim described their feelings of a hushed up secret that’s

too big for seventy times seven forgiveness” (p. 244).  Sexual violations are spiritual violations
and continue to have a huge impact of the victim and our society as a whole.  It should make one
wonder why the subject has been so widely ignored, and from the victim’s stand point there is
distorted reasoning that forgiveness is not accepted in their reality.  How sad that so many
hurting people feel as if they are to blame, and there is so safe place of comfort to be understood. 

     A perpetrator uses their most powerful position to take advantage of a child’s curiosity,
innocence and vulnerabilities.    There are also cases of incest where parents or family can also
misuse their power over the child to coerce them into sexual compliance.   It completely breaks
the bond of trust in the relationship and no child is ever prepared to deal with something so
tragic.  Families have also been known to minimize sexual abuse, and play it off as sexual
curiosity (Balswick, 2008).

     Female children are at a higher risk for sexual abuse as much as 83 percent and boys remain

at 17 percent and preadolescence is a time of higher risk.   A child is robbed of their personal
power, and this cannot be replaced once the violation has occurred.  Balswick stated “ That
suffering is not to be denied or forgotten, and talking about the pain can become an eventual
pathway to healing and restoration” (p. 253).  When the victim is released from the crippling
effects of what has happened to them they are then able to establish a new identity, and they are
no longer haunted by their past.  There is great help that therapists and Christian counselors can
provide for those that have had to endure the secret of their pain alone (Balswick, 2008).

    Sexual Offenders must recognize the pain that has been inflicted and that a serious spiritual

wound has occurred on their victim, also they must confess sincerely and remorsefully while
being able to explain to why what they did was wrong.  They should not be protected by family
and friends against legal actions.  This will only further the offenses that occur, while violating
against other victims.  Enabling offenders is the most dangerous decision that anyone can make,
and the protectors become part of the violations.  It does not matter the status because sexual
offenders come from all walks of life, and must be held accountable at all costs, and someone’s
status should never hinder a person from reporting the event if a violation has occurred
(Balswick, 2008).

      Balswick stated “It is disturbing that the United States ranks as one of the more rape prone

cultures” (p.261).  The statistics show that one in six women are sexually assaulted in the United
States.  It is sad that blame the victim has occurred, and the reason is that females are often more
sympathetic to this occurrence than males.  Very often the victims dress will be an excuse for the
assault to have taken place.   There are many victims that are victimized twice by social, health,
mental health and legal systems that are supposed to help them.   There is a need of support from
family, friends, and spiritual helpers that can be safe and trusting.   There are not enough trained
advocates that are involved in the needed work of the churches.  There is a stigma with victims
and offenders and as their stories are told they feel the churches are not a safe place to turn to.

      The purpose of this paper is to raise the awareness of Churches lacking the proper training of

knowing how to deal with sexual brokenness and violations.  Sexual abuse is a spiritual wound
that the Church should be prepared to deal with, but because of the stigma and distortion of how
sexual concerns are not to be heard, it has failed to see the damage of what denying these factors
has contributed to.  (Miller, 1993) states “that a faith that ignores accountability both to God and
to others- is in trouble” (p. vii).  The answers are no easy ones to provide, but the need is great
because the potential for victims is far too many.  For the individual first, churches, every
denomination and every cultural society, it is the intent to challenge God’s people to awaken, act
and as Miller states “to get one’s house in order, to live accountability, and to prevent further
injury.  The intent is to further the purposes of the church and communities to acknowledge that
sexual abuse occurs everywhere, and as servants in the fields there must also be
acknowledgement of what has been ignored, and the impending damages of where our cultural
views of sex have taken us and how they have been denied and ignored (Miller, 1993).

      The message is an urgent one and it is of great relevance.  Our faith and action can be

revitalized and redemption can occur for these victims that have lost their place and presence of
safety within our society.  The cultural impact of sex has also influenced our cultural views over
the years and the Bible has not handicapped believers, it is the culture and distortion of the true
authentic of healthy human sexuality and how that should be handled and taught among our
members.  There is a growing need of spiritual counselors, and also a biblical way to deal with
sexual brokenness.  50 to 60 percent of mental patients recorded in psychiatry have battled with
these problems of sexual abuse, and there are many that grow up to become offenders
themselves (Miller, 1993).

      It is imperative that exposure takes place in order to prevent revictimization by families and

the systems that are in place.  Whether it is recognized or not, revictimization occurs when
voices are silenced and swept under the rug.  It is a calling to the Church to address sexual abuse
when it is occurring within its own ranks.  Silence is the greatest perpetrator of all (Miller, 1993).

Honoring Vivian (my courageous friend that brought this every so clearly to my attention many
years ago.)

                                                                 References                

Balswick, J. K. (2008). Authentic Human Sexuality: An Integrated Christian Approach. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press.

Block, H. (2011). Understanding Sexual Abuse by a Church Leader or Caregiver 2nd Edition. Canada: Mennonite Central Committee.

Diane Langberg, P. (2011). Trauma as a Place of Service. She's My Sister, 1-5.

Ferree, M. C. (2010). No Stones. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press.

Laaser, M. R. (2004). Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

Miller, D. A. (1993). How Little We Knew. Lafayette, LA.: Prescott Press.

Patrick Carnes, P. (2001). Out of the Shadows. Center City: Hazelden.

 

 

         

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       

    

                                                                

Are you an enabler? Coming to terms with Co addiction and the cycle of enabling.

There are multiple ways that a co addict can enable an addict.  According to Carnes (2001), there are many examples of how this can occur.  Many co addicts will hide the behavior of the addict.  Often times co addicts will try to protect the addict from having to deal with consequences due to their behavior or actions.  This could include lying, or covering up for them.  Very often co addicts will justify why the addict is behaving this way.    There can be grand explanations of rationalizations by the co addict to deny or overlook what is occurring with an addict.  Co addicts often feel responsible for the addicts behavior or actions.  There can be a great deal of self righteous criticism that is directed towards the addict by the co addict. 

     Martyrdom is part of the co addicts cycle in their distortion to become indispensable to the addict.  The addict in turn fails to meet all the co addict expectations which is next to impossible.  While the addict fails to recognize the needs of the co addict they repeat feelings of disappointed expectations and this becomes frustrating for the co addict because they simply cannot shape up the addict.  There is a misconception that sex is the most important sign of love.  Co addicts often validate the unworthiness that the addict is already feeling underneath.  In the process of the co addicts preoccupation of the addict and their problems, it becomes unmanageable for the co addict to take care of themselves.  Co addicts have a desperate need to feel loved and often times were not given that as a child (Carnes, 2001).

     Co addicts are often dominating or nurturing in nature and attempt to control others around them.  Addicts themselves often rely upon co addicts to pick up the peices and in most cases they are more than willing to do so.  There is a high resentment that is formed between the two relationships.  The addict feels that they cannot live up to the co addicts expectations and also feels a deep sense of guilt for not being able to meet those needs.  This becomes an unending cycle of enabling and also the co addict looses complete control over their lives because they are totally engulfed in the reflections of the addict which makes it impossible to deal with their own problems that need to be resolved (Carnes, 2001).

     The conclusion is that we in no way control the actions of another person.  Very often in helping others we step into a God like role that we simply cannot fill.  In doing so co addicts loose or have no personal identity outside of the addict.  The addict must be accountable and in many cases the co addict will prevent that from occurring.  Many co addicts are simply in denial and feel that they can help the addict through anything without the addict being accountable for their actions.  This is an impossible cycle and there is no help, and many times continues out through the life of the addict never being accountable.  The co addict hinders the recovery process, and can prolong an addict from being responsible for their choices and actions.

References:

Carnes, Patrick (2001), Out of the Shadows; Understanding Sexual Addiction