It seems to be
out of the norm to hear about sexual addiction among women, but Marnie C.
Ferree demonstrates courageous strength in identifying with what many women
have been dealing with since the beginning of time. The paper is a reaction to what was
demonstrated in the book of No Stones:
Women redeemed from sexual addiction.
Several topics will be addressed such as the problems surrounding sexual
addiction, family dynamics, treatment of sexual addiction and the role of the
church. A personal outlook will address
how Marnie Ferree addresses the issues of sexual addiction among women.
Introduction
No stones had a
profound impact on how I viewed a women’s story of sexual addiction. I feel the book is a blessing to anyone that
struggles with any type of addiction, especially women dealing with sexual
addictions. The book gave me a different
outlook of sexual abuse and women that carry those wounds. Feree will demonstrate our views and they
seem to be very informative on thoughts of abandonment issues along with what
is defined in our psyche as sexual abuse.
She shares her story of a friend that never hurt her, but violated her
for 15 years. In my view of sexual
addiction there would be pain and physical harm, but in Feree’s case her view
of her abuser was of gentleness and compassion.
The greatest impact was to view a little girl that was being fondled in
a gentle way, and in her story of recovery her view was a picture of rape and
physical harm and she lived in silence of her violations, but she longed for
the intimacy that came from her predator.
It gave me a totally different view of what many other women go through
that become addicted to this type of abuse.
I see a clearer vision in my understanding of how to empathize with this
woman, and I feel the book will give me greater understanding in the lives of
women that struggle and act out in this confusing way. I could feel the sense of abandonment and the
lack of intimacy that she shared in her struggle through recovery. The book is a powerful tool, and one that I
believe can lead to redemption. While
the church has slept through the process of this terrible thing that has
plagued our culture, this is a riveting story of how grace and restoration came
to a very broken and confused family. I
applaud her courage to disclose her brokenness and to help others come to a
greater understanding, and to open the eyes and ears of Christians. I hope I will be able to use this
information in my counseling process and I believe the book has definitely
given me a great sense of understanding.
Not to condone the sin, but to understand how this can happen and the
empathy I need to address it in my professional career.
The Problem
Feree (2010)
gives her personal experience of what she believes to be sexual addiction in
women. She addresses the issues of our
culture and the model of how our views have been distorted about how it seems
acceptable behavior for boys to pursue sex, but the views of girls is quite the
opposite and is addressed as perverted.
In her view women are not supposed to enjoy sex. Feree is very clear that sexual addiction is
a sin, but it is also a deeper level of a disease. It does not take away the responsibility of
the damage that is causes and the accountability of what the addict has done in
their sinful behavior.
Many sex addicts
have been abused themselves. The majority
of them have abandonment issues, and are lacking intimacy in their
relationships. Many women will not
address the issue of sexual addiction because the label is so horrible that
most of them will continue to live in silence.
The shame of living a double life is overwhelming. Signs of sexual addiction are depression,
marital or relationship issues, substance abuse, eating disorders and
personality disorders that are closely associated to sexual addiction (Feree,
2010).
After learning
about neurochemistry and how the brain responds in the areas of pleasure associated
with sex, I agree that the addiction becomes a disease when left
untreated. Sex becomes similar to a hit
of cocaine that provides the addict with the amount of dopamine to allow that
fixation. We have no control over
pleasure areas of our bodies and in the event of sexual abuse of a child, I
think it is possible over a period of time that addiction can become a disease
even to a child that has been violated in this way and it continues in
adulthood despite the shame.
Family Dynamics
There is a picture of what sexual
abuse looks like to many people, and in many cases the violations are
nonviolent. Most sexual abuse occurs
with people that are very close to the family.
In my personal experience when I was a child I was violated and it was a
painful and discomforting experience and I was able to tell my mother. The assault did not occur but a few times,
but it did have an impact on my views of what healthy sexuality truly was. In the case of Feree is was a man that worked
with her father in ministry and he never hurt her, and in her mind he was being
loving to her and it continued for a process of fifteen years. Many girls are vulnerable and do not
understand or discern the nature of sex at such a young age. They are innocent and have no escape in many
of these situations. The lasting impact
is the longing for intimacy and the love of a lost parent or in Feree’s case; a
father that devoted his life to ministries, that was never there and losing her
mother at such an early age of three. My
views of a sexual addict would be someone that caused physical pain and there was
no comfort or enjoyment. In Feree’s case
her perceptions were that this person was compassionate and loving to her
(Feree, 2010).
There are healthy
and unhealthy families. In many
situations secrets are not allowed to be talked about and swept under the
rug. Also unhealthy families will
disallow negative feelings and they are not to be entertained. It is to pretend the problem does not
exist. Many unhealthy families blame the
child and accuse them of having a dirty mind.
Unhealthy families blame others and never take responsibility for the
wrongs.
Treatment of Sexual Addiction
Feree addresses tools of recovery and she
suggests to pray daily and attend twelve step meetings, and to work the
steps. These steps consist of making
peace with God, making peace with ourselves, making peace with others and
maintaining the peace and giving it away.
Reading recovery literature is helpful; journal writing and establishing
accountability consisting of a sponsor, and a recovery network. Sexual addicts should seek to establish
physical boundaries avoiding sex and mental emotional boundaries while
enforcing those boundaries and continuing recovery. I agree that the twelve step program is a
start on the road to healing and redemption.
I feel that after reading this book that it added a great deal to my
learning experiences and feel more confident to approach sexual addictions than
I did before, and understand a great deal more than before (Feree, 2010).
Sexual
Addiction and the Church
The church can
no longer turn its eye’s away from sexual addiction. It is a growing problem within the church
itself. We have a religious perception
that sex is wrong or an ugly subject.
There are mixed messages for women to look attractive, but then condemns
them for having sex. There is a false
sense that Christian marriages do not have sexual problems, and this is simply
not the case. Girls are taught that we
must be good in order to be worthy of love, and if we are sexual we are
bad. Mixed messages are displayed that
we must be sexual in order to be lovable.
We have been taught to value our woman hood by how desirable we are
sexually or romantically. Feree stated
“Rather than offering grace and help to struggling believers, the church has
usually been quick to shoot it’s wounded as Charles Swindoll describes it
(p.55).
The church has
failed miserably and it is time to stop throwing stones at women that struggle
with sexual addictions. They need to be
encouraged toward educated approaches that have been proven to help (Feree,
2010). I would have to agree with Feree
completely on the stance that the church has taken. To understand healthy sexuality there are
biblical principles that teach us the meaning and God never demonstrated that
sex was a shameful thing in the committed area of relationships between a man
and woman. Our distorted perceptions of
misdirected thoughts of sex I feel may have contributed to the problem. There is a great need for help in these areas
and to provide the same type of encouragement that Jesus did when he dealt with
the issues of women that were caught in adultery. He told us that he did not come to condemn
the world, but to save that which was lost.
Sexual addiction is a dark place and instead of throwing stones, we need
to help these broken people get the spiritual counseling that is needed in order
for them to enter recovery. Grace and
mercy are extensions that Christ has shown to each of us, and we have all
fallen short.
I feel very
blessed to have had the opportunity to read and examine some of the processes
of sexual addictions and to be reminded of how Jesus viewed women and never
condemned them, even in the very act which they were caught. We can no longer ignore those that long to
reach out for help. We must equip
ourselves with the Holy Spirit having greater understanding of God’s word and
how we are supposed to respond to the broken and abandoned. It is my prayer that though books like No
stones we can become aware of the damages we do by turning those that are
hurting away.
References
Ferree, M.C. (2010) No stones; Women redeemed from sexual
addiction
